One of Them Miracles
by TinyCitrusLegs
Summary: Humanstuck!GamTav. In which Gamzee learns what miracles are and Tavros sees the bright side. Rated for language and attempted suicide.
1. One of them Miracles

Miracles

Your name is Gamzee Makara, and you are about to take your own life.

You are not as stupid as many people probably think you are. In fact, you believe yourself to be rather smart. The only reason no one really sees it is because of that little mask you put on every day.

It's an old routine. You wake up mid to late afternoon after a late night, you get high with whatever methods are available to you, that goofy grin is plastered on your face like make up and is only washed away by early evening which is when you start drinking. By the time you've absorbed enough of the mind numbing liquid, you are near to passing out, if not already so. If you're still awake by midnight, you might have the munchies or feel the urge to do the drunken tango. It is nearly assured that, just before sunrise, you are locked in dead sleep.

Same old routine, all day every day.

Why? Well, there's a simple answer to that. With this routine, you don't have to really deal with all those skull aching motherfuckers out in the real world.

As said, you are not stupid, not at all. All those high class motherfuckers think they are all up and higher than you, better than you, superior. Then, all those low class think the same, it's nearly ridiculous. What makes it worse is that you can see how truly terrible they are. Hypocrites, bigots, racists, they're all terrible.

If you don't participate in your routine... you might just wrap your hands around some motherfucker's throat. Your routine makes it easier, smoother, you can deal with those people of the outside world who think so highly of themselves.

You don't like this routine, you don't like it one bit. It is an endless cycle of unhappiness and nothingness. Your routine keeps you calm and level-headed, but it doesn't make you unaware of how truly terrible the world is, how foul it is, how disgusting. It is far beyond repair and you hate it. No one listens to you when you try to explain, for they all see you as dirt beneath their feet.

You take long strides, as if you are eager for this to be over and done with. The wind is chilly on this day, the skies are dark with rain clouds, and the gusts of air are rather vicious. Your thick, mangled hair is ruffled all up in your face as you walk, but you keep your head high and ignore it. Well, your head is slightly bowed, but not all that much, just so that you don't have to look into the eyes of any of those disrespectful motherfuckers.

Cars go by without much notice, zooming by with ordinary sounds going unnoticed. You have the most neutral expression you've ever had in place. Your head is as clear as a spring morning, you know exactly what you are doing, and you feel as though you will be arriving at the end soon.

On a steady incline, you barely notice what you are doing, but it is there subconsciously. Your eyes are trained on the empty sidewalk in front of you as you keep walking. It's not as though you are having second thoughts, you just don't want to become too suspicious to any people passing by.

Once the incline seems to steady out, your eyes glance over to the side where a railing follows your every step. You're still not there, so you keep walking.

Your breathing is calm, your hands are in your pockets, and your expression is still blank. Yes, you really are going to do this.

You are there, and you stop. Turning fully, you gaze over the railing and down to the pool of darkness below. The waves are kind of choppy today as the winds are rather harsh. You blink a few times as you stare down at the dark water. Still, something stalls you, and you pause in your breath. A headache pinches at your skull and you grimace dreadfully. The wind isn't helping, certainly not, but you can't do much to solve that.

Without much thought, your arms are folded and you settle them on the railing as a makeshift pillow for your chin. Then, you stare out over the dark waters, lapping almost soundlessly under the sound of the roaming cars behind you.

When you're ready, you'll do the deed, but for now, you just need a short rest.

Your name is Tavros Nitram, and you are about to take your own life.

You never thought your life would come to this, the actual thought of suicide being the only answer to your problems. Sure, it's not what you expected, but you are willing to take your life into your own hands now.

Your routine is rather simple: Get up, survive, go to bed, repeat. One wouldn't think such a simple daily ritual would drain you so much, but it does. Let's get more elaborate. You wake up, you have to swallow seven pills in the morning, five at night, then you go to sleep. Only half of these pills work, and only every now and then do you feel them working.

Why this routine? Of course, the answer is rather simple: disease.

When you were younger, you were diagnosed with a rare bone disease that turns your muscle into bone. Pills was the only answer, but even those little capsules could do next to nothing to help you.

Day in and day out you suffer with aching pain. The muscles in your legs are nearly transformed fully into hard bone and walking is now a challenge, almost impossible. You want to give up so badly, no one knows how terrible this pain is, but your mother and your doctor won't let you just give up. You have physical therapy four times a week and a weekly appointment to see how you are doing.

The only thing you think is truly happening is helping the suffering linger.

You hate the pain, it should be your pain concern to get rid of it, but you admit to yourself that it's not. You have something else eating away at your head. If there's one thing you hate more than the pain, it's the pity.

Poor little crippled boy, using a wheelchair and cringing as he rolls around.

Oh, little cripple, do you need any help?

You hate all the pity you see. Every day, you are forced to look in the eyes of so many people with furrowed brows of sadness, empathy that you don't want. Ever since the day you were born, people were doing things for you, thinking you needed to be babied. You can take care of yourself, you assure yourself of this fact as much as you can, but all is in vain.

The pain spreads every day, crawling up to your thigh at this point, and it becomes more and more frightful for you. Your mother can't stand being in your presence. Instead, she helps you when you need her (and desperately, you want to add) and then scurries off to her room to cry. Due to this, you are alone on most days and suffering by yourself. You manage to keep yourself occupied, but you do admit that being alone saddens you.

If there's one way you want to go, you want to go without pain, and you assure yourself of the fact that you will certainly go that way.

Your dad was an old koot back when he was alive. He used to hunt, but he was never really good at that (you figured out quite a few years ago that all of the mounted 'prizes' on his wall are purely stuffed animals of the plush variety). He would often polish his most prized shotgun and show it to his buddies, speaking of the latest adventure he went on. This certain shotgun that he so truly treasures is in a glass case on his desk in his office.

Neither you nor your mother had stepped foot in his office since he died so everything is coated in a fine layer of dust. You slowly wheel in on your four-wheeled device, looking over old artifacts that he had once found intriguing. It makes you somewhat sad, somewhat, yet you don't find the strength to frown or cry.

Without hesitation, you make your way to your deceased father's desk and eye the shotgun withheld in the glass case. The case is covered in dust and you can barely see the gun through the foggy glass, but it is definitely there. Your father never felt the need to lock things, so nothing holds you back from opening the case and bringing the gun out.

Still, you feel like a devious little kid as you hold the weapon in your hands. You eye it with a still childlike curiosity, but you clearly know what to do with this item. Even so, for a very long time you reconsider what you are about to do. In fact, for a split second, your hand shakes, and you push the weapon slightly away from your form.

But then you remember exactly why you thought of doing this.

A shaky sigh is pulled from your lips as you grip the shotgun tightly and hold it close to your chest, as if assuring yourself that yes, you will be doing this. You will do this... just once you gain the courage to do so...

This day, a very rainy, gusty day, two people died. This day was an ordinary day, just like every other day. A body fell, a shot rang, two bodies remain motionless.

This day did not exist.

Your name is Gamzee Makara, and you just ran into your estranged brother.

You were walking along the bridge, wind gusting and raining, and someone bumped into you. A sudden look, you were shocked to see that familiar face before you. Apparently, by some stroke of luck, your brother had been forced to move back home and was looking for a place to stay.

You tell him he can stay in your apartment.

You decide to wait until tomorrow to do the deed.

Your name is Tavros Nitram, and your mother decides to take you out to eat.

You were doubtful of her proposal, mostly considering she was not good at making people feel good, but she seem sincere. She spoke not of your illness and smiled. You smiled for the first time in years. You drive in the passenger's seat with her, smiling almost the whole time. You pass by the river, it looking so beautiful and clear.

You really want to go to the river someday.

You have one more thing to do before you do the deed.

Today was a bright and sunny day. The wind was calm, the water was a bright blue, and the birds were singing their gleeful songs with joy.

For the first time in a while, Tavros smiled.

Little sounds of pain bubbled from deep in his chest with every little step he took. His legs were stiff and aching with raw pain. Using crutches was not his favorite thing in the whole world, but he was feeling confident on this particular day, and he felt like he could handle it.

The bridge he is crossing is one he has crossed many times before by car. He always liked this bridge, and he still does, as it overlooks a wide and sweet river. He never got the chance, though, to just stop and look over the edge and at the water. So, he decided, today would be that day.

He leans his crutches against the railing as he settles himself to look over the crystal clear water. Today was gorgeous, uplifting, and he couldn't keep the smile off his face. His brown eyes nearly shimmer with glee.

He is glad he gets to see this last beauty.

It should have been done yesterday. Gamzee mumbles to himself, hands stuffed deep into his pockets and head bowed so he could only see the ground. A sharp glare is on his face, and he just can't seem to take it off, not that he was trying all that hard.

For the first time in a while, Gamzee cried.

He had never gone sober for more than one day before, not for a long time. It hurts like hell and those thoughts are ever present. Those plaguing thoughts of inadequacy, the ugliness, are all eating at him. At any moment he might just jump off without grace, without a glance to the water or a wave goodbye to some random driver.

With a tight jaw, he groans and suddenly hits the railing beside him. Slamming his head roughly onto the pole did not help his situation, but he did not care in the slightest. Gamzee's breaths are deep, raged, and desperate. He grits his teeth until his jaw hurts, clenches the pole tightly with his hands, and he soon realizes he has to calm himself.

Gamzee lifts his head, looking at the water, and tries to calm his breathing. Maybe it was the soothing sight before him, but his breath was soon drawn to a gentle panting. It was a long time that he stared over the water, a very long time, so much so that he barely noticed the coo of a hushed voice.

"It's, uh, really nice out today, huh?"

The distressed man lifted his head slightly, eyes drooped over slightly with exhaustion, and he turns to faintly gaze at a young looking fellow just a few feet away from him.

"Yeah... I guess it is all up and nice out..."

The other man seems to embrace the weather much more so, at least, considering the sweet smile on his face. He looks like a naturally happy person from this angle. Gamzee is jealous.

"Do you, uh, live nearby? I've never seen you around..."

Gamzee sighs quietly and stands a bit straight before expressing to the other, "Bro, I can't hear you all that well, come closer if you're really gonna speak to me..." He wasn't expecting the guy to really follow his advice, but he was proven wrong by movement in the corner of his eye. Reluctantly, Gamzee looks back at the young one and is taken off guard when the brunette leans back, grabs a pair of magical walking sticks, and uses them to help himself along.

The other makes his way so he is just next to the taller being, still smiling, and stalls in his place as he asks once more, "I haven't seen you around here... do you live close by or... something?"

For lack of a better word, Gamzee was still bewildered. But he does answer, "Yea... just a mile or so down there..." Saying this, he gives a lazy point back to where he came from.

His companion looks over in such a direction and nods before explaining himself, "I live a few blocks that way," and he pointed in the separate direction. Turning back to Gamzee, the other's grin widens and he finishes off, "My name is Tavros."

Gamzee pauses. The hesitation feels like a century, yet it only last a few seconds. Yet, when he feels the corners of his lips pull up, the words soon come out, "My name is Gamzee..."

The sun makes its gradual journey, yet none in the duo realize such. They smile as they speak of things, express gratitude and thoughts. It seems, as though, their smiles would never falter.

When the sky was tinted a vibrant orange, Gamzee finally realizes the time. "Oh shit, brother... the time all up and flew by before our eyes..."

Tavros looks at the sky and he comments, "Oh, yeah... I, uh, didn't even notice it was that late..."

Gamzee smiles with a light laugh, a laugh he hadn't heard himself utter in a long time. It is now that he notices the ache in his skull is nearly nonexistent. Looking at his new friend, his grin becomes wider and he asks, "Would you like me to all up and walk you home, Tav?"

Although flattered by the nickname, the brunette hesitates in answering. His first reaction is to be offended... the man is feeling pitiful of him and wants to help the poor cripple home. This is his first thought, but it soon fades away as he sees the genuine kindness in the other's eyes staring back at him. Tavros can't help but smile back at the other as he murmurs a rather shy, "Uhh, sure... I would, uh, like that."

Your name is Tavros Nitram, and you decided not to take your own life.

You made a new friend, a friend who doesn't pity you and treats you like a normal human being. You know this new friend will be there for you... he's different.

You lie down in bed with a smile, calling goodnight to your mom and telling her you love her. She smiles at this and says it back. In the gentle night, your eyes slowly close and absorb the calmness that swells in your heart.

For the first time in a long while, you can't wait for tomorrow to come.

Your name is Gamzee Makara, and you decided not to take your own life.

You made a new friend, a friend who isn't cruel, terrible, a beast, one that you admire truly. You know this new friend is truly a keeper... you can't lose him.

You cross the bridge to go back to your apartment. It is the middle of the night now, and barely any cars are out. Halfway over the bridge, you stop and gaze over the water. You smile as you recognize how beautiful it is, and then you keep walking.

For the first time in a long while, you feel you have experienced one of them miracles.


	2. One of them Milestones

Milestones

Your name is Tavros Nitram, and you are scared to death.

Six months had passed since you decided against committing suicide. Your disease was slowly progressing, but you are getting through it thanks to your new doctor and, of course, your new friend. And that is exactly why you are so petrified.

The past two weeks he's been acting different. He seems eerily silent around you, which isn't like him. Sure, Gamzee can be rather quiet when he's 'thinking about them mirthful messiahs', but this kind of silence, from him, was aching almost. He was tense a lot and sometimes even bitter, and it scared you.

Did you do something wrong? Did something you do upset him? Is he, perhaps, going through something that he doesn't want to bother you with?

All of these three questions were eating at your head. If you did something wrong, to upset him, you desperately wanted to know what it was so you could apologize for such actions. However, if he was going through something and he has yet to tell you about it, the idea would kind of hurt you... you two were the best of friends, after all, you should be able to trust each other with anything, right?

Over these past few months, the two of you had really struggled together. Gamzee had voiced his battle with addiction while you expressed your constant pain and casual panic attacks. He promised to remain sober as long as he could spend his time with you, helping you with his own presence to overcome the pain.

With him sobering up, it was quite the wild ride. He had mood swings, he was in pain a lot, and he sometimes became scary to the point where you feared violence. However, he never really got to that point, and he promised that he never would, so you believed him.

After the first month, things became easier. He experienced a lot less pain and was, overall, much more happy, which made you more happy. But the pain, on your part, did not decrease at all. That is, until you were assigned to a different doctor.

Your new doctor, Dr. Zahhak, was quite the unique character. At first you had been intimidated by him, but you soon relaxed in his rather calm voice and the way he spoke, you could tell he was very intelligent, and that assured you of your safety. Dr. Zahhak had assigned you to a higher dose of painkillers as well as a daily regimen of a vitamin drink that he had found to help inflammation. To your surprise, the first week had showed success.

You were petrified, however, when your doctor recommended amputation to help slow down the progression of your disease. He explained that doing such would lower much of the pain as well and might also help in preventing the disease from spreading any further. You, at this moment, now have one month to decide on what to do about this predicament.

But, as stated in the first sentence, you kind of have a different problem you'd rather deal with.

You are frightened. Gamzee is acting different. He doesn't talk to you all that much, his visits are more sporadic, the air around him is tense...

You are scared of losing him...

Your name is Gamzee Makara, and you are scared to death.

Six months had passed since you decided against committing suicide. You have, since then, decided to become sober so you can enjoy what little that life has to offer. In this case, one of these little 'miracles' is your new friend, Tavros. Speaking of Tavros, he is the exact reason you are petrified.

You, Gamzee Makara, are shocked to admit that you are deeply and truly in love.

You had come to 'realize' this just a month ago. This had happened when a small, mere thought popped into your screwed up head of yours. What was this little thought? Oh, nothing much... just wondering how it would feel to have that young brunette male's lips pressed up against your own. The thing was, this idea had popped up out of nowhere, absolutely nowhere. You were just sitting on your bed, tired from a late night of rappin' with your best bro, and then, suddenly, poof... sloppy make-out thoughts.

The idea scared you beyond death and back. Sure, you weren't really expecting to have such thoughts about a guy (although you knew you may be a little bit queer, you didn't really care, who does?), if it was any other guy you'd just find it the slightest bit odd, but this was Tav, Tavbro, your main man, your best bud in the whole world...

Your little miracle...

No, you couldn't be having ANY dirty thoughts about him, no! You literally slapped yourself in the face for such disgraceful thoughts. You were aching to smoke a joint or something, but you remembered a little promise you made with the paraplegic, and you refrained from doing such, instead, voting to take a cold shower and drink a couple Faygos...

At this point, you had come to realize that the best option was to stop being around Tavbro so much. Yes, it very much pained you, and you hated this self-restriction you placed on yourself, but at that point, it seemed to be the best idea.

Only when you started spending less time with him did you truly realize it wasn't some little 'flush crush'. You found the time spanning between your hangouts to be nearly unbearable. You had to rely on your brother to get you out of the dumps on those days, and even then, you desperately wanted to smoke or drink or anything to get your mind off of this loneliness.

Then, on those days when you got to see your little miracle again, you felt the extreme urge to just cuddle him and embrace him for the entire day. You had to hold back these urges, and it hurt, literally hurt, you deep in your chest to do so. You didn't talk much, it was rather tense, and you could barely keep your hands to yourself. You could see the worry in your bro's eyes, you could see the dejection, the hurt... but you just couldn't tell him about that idea you had or anything of that nature.

You don't want to alarm him... you don't want to taint him with your own being...

You don't want to lose him...

Tavros hangs up the phone and sighs. He has just asked Gamzee to come over. Usually, he doesn't have to ask, but Gamzee had actually put up a fight this time and tried to make up some silly excuse for not coming. However, the Taurus had convinced the other to come over with the promise of faygo, a cheesy movie, and possibly a game or two.

The wheelchair bound man rolls back to the kitchen to pull out a few faygos from the fridge and brings them to sit out on the living room table. Truthfully, everything he has promised are not going to be fulfilled. Instead, he intends to speak one on one with Gamzee. He had explained the situation to his mother, and she had, with a gentle smile, expressed that she would be going out for a drink with her friends anyway. Sure thing, mom, you just want us to make up or whatever...

Gamzee knows not of what his doctor had recommended. Tavros felt that it wasn't the right time to express such a fearful thought to his dearest friend. Besides, if the Capricorn was going through something with his family and what not, he didn't want to add any more drama onto his friend's plate.

A half an hour after the phone call there is a knock on the door. It takes Tavros a moment to get there, he even prolonging the roll there and having to take a few deep breaths to calm his nervous heart. This is it... into the belly of the beast.

He unlocks the door and opens it just the slightest bit before rolling back to give his friend enough room to open the door fully. As expected, the crazed hair fellow is wearing his hoodie with the hood up, hands stuffed in his pockets and looking just the slightest bit swamped. "Sup, bro... I'm all up and excited about this movie you wanna watch..." he greets, playing off with a plain smile and rather dull tone.

Tavros almost wants to frown and negate, but he doesn't. Instead, he smiles slightly and expresses, "Uhh, yeah... I am excited too..."

The two males make their way into the living room. Gamzee, now comfortable in this setting, casually unzips his sweatshirt and sets it on a nearby coat rack out of politeness. Yet again, the atmosphere is tense, and Tavros becomes irritated once again.

Rolling to one side of the coffee table, where Faygo sit unnoticed by the taller male, Tavros swallows thickly as he soon murmurs, "Gamzee... uh, I think... I think we need to talk about stuff..."

It is all too apparent that Gamzee had realized where the conversation was going. At first, he blushes vibrantly, and he thanks the high messiahs that he had been turned away from his bro when that blush developed. It gave him a chance to breathe deeply and calm his fiery cheeks before turning to see his good friend. Unlike the many days before, his expression is saddened, almost longing. "Yeah, Tavbro... I've been seeing this talk coming..."

The air became even more thick, if that was even possible. Gamzee was provoked to sit on the couch just on the other side of the coffee table, facing Tavros with hunched shoulders and a bowed head. It seemed, as though, he was trying to look anywhere but at the other being present, which had the Taurus feeling even worse.

Of course, he would have to start it off.

"Gamzee... are you, uh, mad at me or something...?" Tavros had to ask the tougher question first. He had to know if he had done something wrong.

The Capricorn looked up at his friend with curious eyes, tilting his head slightly with bewilderment. Truly, he was confused. His bro thought... he had made him mad?

Tavros swallowed thickly as he elaborated, "I mean... did I do something wrong? I didn't mean to make you angry or anything at me... I really didn't, I don't want you to be angry with me, anything but that..." He was becoming desperate, he could tell since his voice was squeaking slightly and becoming more scratchy.

Gamzee's brow furrowed into a saddened expression and he sat up straight almost immediately. "No, no Tavbro, I am not mad at you at all..." But what could he say? What could he say to make all of his recent actions seem plausible?

Tavros blinked a few times, becoming even more and more distressed. "Then why are you acting so oddly? Why are you barely around any more? We used to spend so much time together and I miss those times... what, am I just getting boring now? Do I bore you Gamzee...?"

No, no. The Capricorn harshly shook his head, he could feel his expression morphing more twisted with frustration. "Not at all, bro. No! It's just... I got a lot of stuff all up in my mind that I'm thinking about..."

As it seemed, it was the last option that had been correct. The Taurus could feel tears welling up in his eyes, but he couldn't let them fall, he had to be strong, he had to show he could handle all of this. After gritting his teeth for a brief moment, he continued, "Why don't you talk to me about it then? I can help you, that's what best friends do, they help each other out with things that are troubling them, right?"

Gamzee swallowed thickly. This whole situation was spiralling out of control. "I... Tavbro... I can't tell you what's been going on..." he felt terrible for saying these few words, but he couldn't think of what else to do. Not anymore...

Tavros looked down into his lap, playing with his fingers as he thought over what's been said. His eyes soon narrowed and he frowned. Without looking at his 'best friend', he had murmured in a rather sinister tone, "Fine... I see how it is, Gamzee. You don't want to tell me what's been bothering you, you don't want to express your concern... fine. I guess... you don't trust me, that's fine... just fine..."

"Tavbro..." His throat tightened as he tried to speak and his eyes stung with the threat of tears. "No, Tavbro... I trust you, it's just..." Looking at his friend, his voice died. The wheelchair-bound man would not look back, instead finding extreme interest in his lap. With the silence, the Capricorn noticed something else: the hushed sounds of sniffling.

Not even a second passed before the clowny fellow had gotten to his feet and was at his bro's side, hugging him tightly and as closely as the wheelchair would allow. Tavros' head became nestled into Gamzee's neck, where he whimpered even more and let a few tears actually fell. It impacted Gamzee and, he, as well, began tearing up again.

"I'm so sorry, Tavbro... I didn't mean to make you cry..."

Gamzee's heart swelled with the sympathetic contact he was holding with his dearest little miracle. He placed gentle rubs and strokes to the man's shoulders and back, trying to calm him as well as himself.

"Why... why can't you tell me what's wrong, Gam? I want to help you..."

Tavros was wheezing almost, gripping tightly onto the shirt of the man he so desperately cared for. He just wanted to help...

"Because, bro... I don't want to hurt you... I don't want you to hate me..."

Gamzee wants to cry, but he tries to hold it back. He's got to stay strong for just a little bit longer, just a little bit...

"You hurt me... when you refuse to let me help you..."

Tavros confessed his deepest fear to his best friend, his bro as Gamzee would put it. That just has to be enough...

For a good, long moment, Gamzee was silent. His tears stalled in their progress of falling down his cheeks and he, instead, thought about what to say. He was really hurting his friend, hurting him with worry. Tavros... what would he say... to a confession? Surely... he couldn't hate him, could he? It seemed that the Taurus was incapable of hate...

Gamzee lifted his head, backing slightly away from his dearest bro, who looked back up to see him in the eye with teary eyes. The Capricorn paused again, holding the shoulders of his friend, and he was slow, hesitant, as he leaned in and placed a soft kiss upon the young man's nose.

Tavros was still, curious, and bewildered by the rather sweet gesture, but he was caught even more off guard as those lips had shifted slightly downward and pressed a light peck to his own. It was short, sweet, and to the point in what they were trying to convey.

The Capricorn bit his lip as he lifted his head back, looking off to the side. "Tavbro... I... I got all these feelings... and, I don't know what to do about them... and I don't want you to be scared 'cause I'm sure I can maybe do something about them... gah, fuck, I don't know..."

It was the Taurus' turn to be a bit silent and thoughtful. Feelings... feelings for him? These were feelings a bit more than friends, he assumed (judging by that kiss, at least). It all made sense now... why the air was always tense, why Gamzee was silent a lot, it all came together. He stared at his dearest friend, his friend who had... strong feelings for him, and he couldn't help but feel flattered as well as... grateful.

Gamzee cringed as he felt hands being placed on his cheeks, lifting his head to look back at the brown-eyed male. Tavros produced a shy smile before placing a soft kiss on the other's lips, it imitating the kiss the Capricorn had placed upon him as well.

The Capricorn could only stare wide-eyed and confused when the other sat back, producing a rather smug look that was a bit unlike him. Still, Tavros grinned and he nervously expressed, "Well, uh... it's okay if you have, uh, feelings for me, I guess. It really doesn't upset me at all, Gamzee... and, maybe one day, I'll feel the same thing for you..."

Gamzee paused for a brief moment before a grin came over his face as well. He chuckled lightly as he cooed, "Well... I guess that's better than nothing~!"

Your name is Gamzee, and you've met one of those milestones in your relationship with Tavros.


	3. One of them Mornings

Mornings

Your name is Tavros Nitram, and you are not much of a morning person.

It was just an ordinary thing though, right? A lot of people hated mornings, it was that persistent wake up call from your dream world and reminding you that you had a life to participate in. Well, there was a certain reason, different than most, to which your hatred of mornings stemmed. Mornings, you see, were the most painful time for you. At that time, the pain pills would have been long since lost their affect, your body would be stiff with the lack of movement, and you would generally wake up early (with no one else up, you were forced to lay in bed, motionless and aching, until your mother would as well awake to help you up). Yes, this was certainly getting ridiculous.

This was the six month running of your friendship with Gamzee Makara, and you couldn't be happier with such. However, to your bewilderment, a confession on Gamzee's part was placed just a week ago. You didn't know what to do, so you settled for answering with a shitty 'we will see where it goes' kind of deal. He took it well... but...

To be honest, you are not sure about this whole situation. Besides him, you've got a whole different situation to worry about.

The stiffness in your legs has spread all the way up to nearly your hips, just ending near the middle of your thigh. You have two weeks to make a decision on rather to cut them off and hope for a miracle, or leave them be for certain death. You have to confess, you are a somewhat pessimistic person, but that's only because of everything that's happened. You are sure that if you didn't have to suffer with this, you would have been 'peppy'.

Perhaps that's why Gamzee and you have connected so well.

Sure, when you first met, you had nearly opposite personalities as of now, but you still stuck to one another. With him sober, he is so much more happy, sprouting confidence and pride for himself. He babbles about miracles, about the mirthful messiahs, and he takes risks as if it were his last day on earth. He is so happy, you swear he must literally 'dance in the rain' as those motivational quotes always say. You are so envious and yet proud of him.

You'd think a dying man would make the best out of his possibly last days of earth, yet you didn't. It was like impending doom ticking down on a clock with you strapped in a chair and watching with tired, strained eyes. Eventually... you get bored and accept that yes, there is a clock counting down to my demise... at least you know when it'll be coming, you won't have to worry about when.

That's what you thought for a long time, almost since the beginning of finding out your disease. Yes, at least you know when you are going to die, you don't have to worry about it like you used to when you were younger. It was literally to the point where you barely looked both ways before crossing the street, you just didn't give a shit.

It used to be that way, until you met someone.

You still haven't told him. This decision is now to be made within ten days, otherwise the decision will be made for you. You know that you have to make a decision... but it is so hard to do so by yourself. You're not all that good at insight into the future... but you don't want to tell him...

Gamzee rolls the dice and soon moves his piece on the board, and then retrieves a card from a little pile. The two of you are playing your favorite roleplaying game, but you aren't really having much fun. In fact, you forgot exactly what you are playing, all you know is that there's two dice, some cards, you have a weird object as your board piece, and- oh, Gamzee's staring at you and saying something, you should pay attention.

"Uhh, what did you say?" You ask in a tired voice, lifting your eyes to see the Capricorn just in front of you. For a moment, your vision goes blurry, and you have to blink a few times to get your head straight.

Gamzee holds the two dice in his hands and holds them out to you as he repeats, "I said it's all up and your turn, Tavbro..."

Embarrassed, you give a hushed 'oh' and take the dice from him, soon lazily rolling them and following through that same old process. Gamzee watches you with slightly concerned eyes, brow knitted with worry. Once you move your little pawn, you reach for a card to draw, but your hand falls upon nothing, and you narrow your eyes with confusion as you fumble around for the cards. When you stumble upon them, you pick up the first card and stare at it with squinted eyes as it is hard to read...

"Tav... are you okay?" Gamzee asks. His tone is clearly tinted with the utmost of concern and worry for your health. He usually does not sound like that, but you seem really out of it at this moment.

You look back at him as you ask, "Why do you, uhh... ask?"

His expression is rather serious. "You don't look so good, bro. I think it might be best if you all up and get some shut eye..."

After rubbing your eyes for a brief second and following the directions given to you on the card, you sigh and give a glance to the clock. It's not even eight yet... you voice this thought to your friend, but that doesn't fade his expression in the slightest. "Yeah, I know... but sometimes you just need to get to that dream world a bit earlier, you know what I mean?"

At this point, you realize that you are not going to win any argument with Gamzee on this night, you are too tired to give any objections, so you simply mutter with a defeated tone in your voice, "Yeah, I know what you mean... Gamzee..."

He realizes he's won, and he picks up the sides of the board game, carrying it off to place it on a nearby shelf for it to later be resumed. You smile at this, he knows exactly what you think is best, and yawn quietly. Wow, you must really be tired.

You squeak slightly out of surprise when you are suddenly lifted by your armpits. Gamzee has set you back down in your wheelchair and soon starts rolling you back to where your room is.

On this particular night, your mother has allowed Gamzee to stay over. At first, she wasn't all keen on you having this certain man as a friend, but upon seeing the two of you and how happy you were, she had come to recognize the Capricorn as a really good presence for you to be around. So, whenever you were particularly sad or in a lot of pain, she always gave Gamzee a call.

Bless her heart.

Gamzee helps you into bed without much trouble, giving you the chance to do much of the work (you still have that pride complex) and helping you when need be. He tucks you in, which is just in his nature, and makes sure you are all settled for the night.

At one point, you make the mistake of grunting in agony as a vibration of pain quakes up from your limbs. You clench your teeth and groan to yourself. The pain is as it always is, shuddering, violent, and burning, and you can't even move to make it easier. Gamzee notices this and does all he can to make you feel better, which is cradling your head gently and rubbing your forehead while cooing gentle words of encouragement. The pills your new doctor had given you no longer work, they aren't strong enough, you have to suffer once again.

You know, you just know, that Gamzee has caught a whiff of what has been going on in your head. He knows that you have been thinking a lot, specifically about your illness, but he doesn't know for sure. Yet, he has kept his nose out of your business, and you don't know rather to be happy about it or angry.

Once the wave of pain departs, he stares at your panting form for the longest time. His eyes are soft, but not with pity. You know he's going to say something that will tug at your heartstrings, and you brace yourself, then he speaks. "I can trust you Tavbro..." he says at first, voice just barely above a whisper. "I've proved that to you not long ago. I trust you a lot, just like best bros should." Your panting quiets and you open your once tightly shut eyes to stare at your friend expectantly. He sighs. "You are my best bro, Tav, and I wouldn't give up a miracle like that for anything in the world. I trust you... and I really hope you trust me... you know you can trust me with anything, right bro?"

Yet again, you are confronted with a predicament. You don't know rather to be angry or happy that he has finally brought up this situation for you. You have to think out your words carefully. As is in your nature, you find that less words is better, and you murmur in a hushed tone, "Yes... I know..."

But Gamzee seems upset, upset that no more words follow. He looks disappointed now, maybe even gravely distressed, but he speaks no more of the subject. Instead, he gives a slight nod and coos, "Okay, just makin' sure. Sleep well, Tavros."

And he's gone.

Your name is Gamzee Makara, and you're not much of a night person.

You never really had difficulty with sleeping way back when, but this was only because you could rely on your drunken black-outs to get you to bed on time. Now that you are sober, you find yourself lying in bed during the late hours of the night, just thinking, tossing and turning.

Tonight was one of those nights.

With hands resting on the back of your head, you stare up at the ceiling with droopy eyes and active thoughts. A lot of things are on your mind, namely a certain Taurus you have come to love so deeply. For a while now, you have been noticing little changes in him both personality wise and physically. He was awfully quiet, and when he spoke, his voice was in a bit of an ache and sad in tone. His skin was much paler than when you first met him, and you noticed that his movement via magical walking sticks was much more rare.

You could see quite clearly that he was in pain, you could see it every day, and it was painful for you as well to see him like that. Still, he would refuse most help offered to him and insisted he was just fine. At times, you wanted to yell at him, demand that he accept whatever empathy or sympathy given to him, but you would bite your tongue.

There is something, definitely something, that is wrong... something in his head, though, that he's all up and thinking about that is worrying him... and you don't know what it is...

A sharp wail snaps you from your daze, and you instantly sit up in your bed. Adrenalin and fear is pumping through you as you get to your feet and start running. It takes barely a few seconds to reach the source of the pained scream, and it is exactly what you had expected.

You find your little miracle sprawled onto the floor in pain, his wheelchair toppled over on its side and one of his legs pinned beneath it. He is crying in agony, hands clenched tight and knuckles white, face screwed up in horror.

You are at his side in an instant, trying to help him up, but Tavros slaps your hands away violently and literally screams at you, "No! Don't touch me! I don't need any of your fucking help, Gamzee! I can do it myself!" Saying this, he quiets his sounds of pain to moans and groans, pushing himself up with his wobbly arms and turns to try and shove his four wheeled device off of his mangled leg.

With harsh eyes, you object quite quickly, "No, bro, you need my help. Just stop being so motherfucking stubborn..."

Again, you try to help him, but he only screams at you again with similar words. It's too much, too aggravating, and you grit your teeth before taking the situation into your own hands, picking the chair up without much effort and leaving it off somewhere before turning back to your best friend. Tears are streaming down his face and his cheeks are flushed with embarrassment and anger.

Your hand is gently placed on his knee, but he slaps it away again with a bitter, "Don't touch me." And you are saddened greatly.

You knit your brow and frown at him. "Tavros... please... tell me what's wrong..." You nearly beg him, and only now do you realize that you have tears leaking from your eyes as well. "Please... Tavbro..."

Tavros closes his eyes as little whimpers travel up his throat. He clearly doesn't want to look at you, he is ashamed, he feels terrible about what he's said and done. "I don't know, Gamzee... I don't know what to do anymore... I'm so confused..."

You lift an eyebrow and shuffle closer to him as you ask, "What? What do you all up and not know? Why are you all confused...?"

And it all comes out in one tearful breath. "My doctor is giving me only two more weeks to make a big decision, and I don't know what to say to him. He says I have to either agree to a leg amputation or let the disease continue. I mean... what is going to happen? I don't want to lose my legs... and it's not assured that the surgery will heal anything. Besides that, anything can happen during surgery, I don't want to die... but saying no, that's just giving up, right? I don't want to give up, Gamzee... I don't want to die... I don't want to die..."

He is sniffling, weeping, his chest is heaving as he tries to calm his breathing. Tears coat his face in a fine layer and all you want to do is hug him close and tell him everything will be okay. But you can't do that, because you don't know for sure if things will turn out that way.

You can still hug him though, so you do. You cradle his small, timid, and frightful body in your arms and rock him back and forth. Calm words of assurance and sweetness murmur from your lips, and you pet his head in the most affectionate way possible. But the one phrase that continuously comes from your lips is simply this: "You do what is right, Tavbro... you do what you think is right."

"I'm scared..." Tavros voices in his quiet voice. His hands are fidgeting with the edge of the hospital blanket, eyes staring at his fingers, and it is easy to tell that he is shaking with nervousness. Ten minutes... he's been counting... only ten more minutes...

But his heart suddenly slows down as another hand comes to hold his own, one that is rough but warm and familiar. He looks up at the man to his right and sees the Capricorn staring back down with a soft smile and tender eyes. "I know you are bro, but you ain't got nothing to be all up and scared about, okay? You got yourself a good doctor, and he'll make sure everything goes alright..."

A slight tap at the door has Tavros snapping back to attention and heart ramping up. To his horror, it is Dr. Zahhak, all cloaked in a hospital uniform and mask upon his mouth. "We are ready, now... you will... have to leave," saying this, his eyes focus on the Capricorn, who gives a knowing nod.

Gamzee can feel the grip on his hand tighten and his thumb rubs circles on Tavros' hand to try and give him extra comfort. Leaning back down to the nervous being, he whispers softly, "It'll all be good, Tav, I promise. It's just a little nap you're all up and taking... I'll be with you when you wake up..."

And he's gone.

Tavros' eyes slowly open, and he immediately whimpers as sun blinds him. Once his eyes adjust though, he glances to where the light is coming from, and sees that it is the sun. Morning...

"Ahh... all up and awake..." Tavros blinks a few times and he turns his head back to see who had spoken. A smile crawls on his face as he sees that calm and comfortable grin that he has come to rely on. "I told you I'd be here when you woke..." A hand strokes at the side of his face, and the Taurus can't help the smile that develops on his own features.

"Yeah... yeah, you did, Gamzee..." Tavros' voice is dreamy, in a hushed whisper, and he gives a soft yawn as he slightly shifts under the covers.

No more pain...

His smile widens even more, and he lets his eyes slip shut with a light sigh.

Your name is Tavros Nitram, and you might just get used to these mornings.


	4. One of them Misfortunes

Misfortunes

Your name is Tavros Nitram, and today is going to be quite the show.

It's been about a month since you agreed to amputate your legs. The decision had been made after two days of deliberating the pros and cons with your best friend as well as your mother (Gamzee happened to mention the idea to her quite soon after he found out). Your doctor, your mother, and your best friend all agreed that this was the best course of action in helping you, but during this whole month, you weren't so sure about such a thought.

Sure, your legs had been a major cause of pain in your life, but now, looking down and only seeing a pair of stumps where your limbs had once been, you feel as though you are only half of what you once had been. It's not that you aren't happy, you appreciate that there's no more pain, you just kind of... miss them.

That's why today was going to be drastic in your life.

Your doctor has given you another option, the option of prosthetic legs.

Your appointment had been rather simple. You got fitted with your legs (made of titanium alloy, like those cool spaceships are made of), and your doctor recommended a few physical therapy sessions for you to get used to them. Sadly, even though you had new legs, you still had to use your four-wheeled device until you could actually walk on them.

Still... it was kind of exhilarating to set a hand on your knee and actually feel something yet not being in pain.

After your appointment, Gamzee had the great idea of stopping some place for ice cream. The idea was a bit out of the blue, but you didn't object to it.

That's where you find yourself now: at an ice cream shop, lapping at your favorite ice cream, and staring rather intently at your friend whom sat across from you. The goofy fellow was, at least right at this moment, licking off some ice cream that had dripped all over his fingers while more of the stuff was melting down onto his other hand. You couldn't help but smile slightly and shake your head at his rather air-headed behavior.

It is times like these where you realize what a cruel person you've been.

Gamzee had, not too long ago, confessed his feelings for you. At first you were shocked and caught off-guard, after all, why would a guy like him like a guy like you? You kind of thought that he might have been mistaken, so you gave him the answer of 'we will see how it goes'. Yes, it was a very shitty reply, but he accepted it... and he's still sticking around. At this point, he has become your main rock to cling to when you are feeling weak and you feel so grateful for his presence.

But, what have you done for him?

Nothing.

Now that this whole problem with your legs is solved... maybe you can solve this issue...  
~~~

Your name is Gamzee Makara, and this ice cream is the bane of your existence.

It just won't stop melting! The creamy substance keeps dribbling down your hand, then you have to hold it with your other hand as you try to lick up the remnants, only to have more of the substance dribble on your other hand! Oh my high messiahs, you are going to end up with sticky hands after this...

"Uhh, Gamzee...?" A gentle voice coos your name, and your eyes glance up to see Tavbro giving you a rather concerning expression. For a brief moment, you are confused and irritated that your bro is not having the same trouble you are and has non-sticky hands. But, you quickly realize that you have to be serious and abandon those silly thoughts.

"Yeah bro? What's up?" You ask quickly before diving back down to lick up a trail of gooey ice cream that has ended down at your wrist.

Tavros shifts slightly in his seat, eyeing his ice cream as if he might have dropped it and it landed on the ground. "Do you... uhh... still have feelings for me...?"

At that moment, you pause. You look back at your bro and notice his expression. Again, he is not looking at you, as if he might be ashamed of himself, or even you. Your hand takes the ice cream away from your lips to give him a serious expression, even though he isn't looking at you. "Yeah, bro... you can't all up and lose feelings like that so soon... I still got them heart pumping feels for ya..."

He still doesn't look at you and you feel as if you just ruined any chances between the two of you. Eventually, the Taurus finds the strength to lift his head and look back at you, but you still fear what might come out of his mouth, and you have every right to fear because a simple, one word question comes out, "Why?"

Oh no, the dreaded question no sane person wants to hear when concerning feelings... why? Your brow knits and you can't help the deep sigh that passes from your lips. "Tavbro..." What exactly can you answer with? Obviously, it can't be something blanketing, like 'I love everything about you' because that is a shit answer. Well... what exactly do you love about him...? "You're different, Tavbro. You aren't like all those mean hearted motherfuckers out there. You're a fighter, but in a good sense..." Hmm, what else...? "You are real sweet, cuddly, and kawaii as fuck... and you don't think me as lowly..."

That was the most important one, the very last one...

You looked at your bro expectantly, hoping for some sort of breakthrough, but all you were met with was a blank stare. Was he upset with you? Why could he be angry? His gaze shifts to the side, and to your extreme horror, the only other utterance he has is a mere, "I see..."

At home, you find yourself more tired than you had ever been in your entire life. Even with this occurrence, you can not find the strength to close your eyes and sleep. You roughly rub your eyes with your knuckles and toss and turn under the covers. The rest of the day after that little ice cream shop incident had been uneventful and tense, you hated it.

Man, all these fucking tears rolling down your cheeks was pitiful and stupid. Nearly every night you had been crying and only for one, stupid fucking reason... because he didn't love you back.

Fuck, you are so fucking pitiful, stop that crying!

Sitting up in your bed, you grab a nearby kleenex box and empty the last few sheets to nearly rub them all over your face. Dammit, now you surely won't be able to sleep...

Without anything else to do, you roam the house. It would have been fully silent if your brother didn't have the TV on... he always was a night owl. You are feeling bitter and grumpy, so you trail down to the living room to demand your brother turn it down only to stop in your tracks and see he is passed out on the couch. God damn him...

After turning off the TV, you find the culprit to his heavy sleep, an empty six pack of beer. For a moment, you are caught between angst and anger. You had pleaded to him many times to not bring alcohol into the house! You are sober now, you don't need any temptations. Then, upon seeing an unopened bottle of whisky just beside him, you swallow thickly.

It's right there... you can just... take it... drink it... you won't feel so bad.

No, hold on, not so fast. You don't need that, you just need to occupy yourself with something.

Regretfully, you turn the TV back on and sit in a chair just next to the couch, flipping through random channels until you find an infomercial about some miracle product. Your eyes are glued on the flashing screen, but only because you know if you glance anywhere else you'll only see beer cans of a few bottles.

A few words from satisfied customers... maybe you should actually get this mat thing? You have a lot of messes don't you? Yeah... yeah... your hand drifts off to grab the phone, you got to make this call... wait, that isn't a phone...

You're not even thinking, your eyes are glued to the screen, and you chugged down that bitter liquid... ah, you were wrong, it tastes... really good. A deep swig or two later, you are already feeling better. No really, you got have buy that rug thing to clean up all those epic messes you make...

Or you could always walk down to the convenience store and buy some more beer.

Decisions decisions...  
~~~

Your name is Tavros Nitram, and this is exactly why you don't like hospitals.

"You're not immediate family... we can't let you in at this moment..." The woman at the desk gives you a sympathetic look, but you can't help but deny her expression. Why did hospitals always have to function that way?!

"No, please, you don't, uhh, understand..." You try to plead to her, putting on the most desperate expression you can muster. "I need to see him now! Please!"

She furrows her brow and turns a bit more stern. "I'm sorry, but-" her voice catches in her throat with a mere glance to the side. You follow her gaze only to see a rather familiar looking being... although... you are sure you have never seen him before.

This man produces a somber expression and, with a twist of his fingers, seems to commune with the nurse, whom watches with peeked interest.

The woman at the desk gives a brief nod and gives you a knowing look, and you have never wheeled somewhere so quickly.

You know who this man is now. Gamzee had mentioned his brother a few times, but you never got the chance to see him until now. You wished that you could have met him in better circumstances...

He takes you to the room where his younger brother is and stops. After opening the door for you and nodding his head, he turns on his heel and leaves. It's as though he knows that you need this time to be for only you and him...

Rolling into the room, your brow furrows with fright as you see your best friend in the entire world. Cords run into his arms, a large tube is stuck down his throat, and he is splayed out as if he will soon be dissected. It is horrifying... a breathing machine, a heart monitor, liquid bags pumping into him...

You're at his side before you even know it, but even then, you don't know what to do. He is obviously not awake and can not hear you... what is there to do?

You settle for holding his hand gently, as if it would provide him comfort in this coma-like state. Alcohol poisoning, that's what the diagnosis was. Kurloz found him just this late afternoon, foaming from the mouth and seizing. You don't know exactly what happened... other than he took pills when he shouldn't have. You don't know if he did it on purpose or if it was an accident...

They had pumped his stomach three times already, but it wasn't doing much help. His blood was still toxic...

Tears are rolling down your cheeks. Why did it have to turn out this way? Why did he have to have a relapse? You grit your teeth as you try to retain your whining noises. Why... why?!

This can't be happening, this didn't happen, it didn't. He can't just all up and leave you like this. He can't just die. He's your best friend, the one who kept you from giving it all up. He's your rock, your protector, your bro...

What would you do without him? You lean on him... you rely on him... he's your only friend. What would you do... with him gone, how could you go on? You wouldn't make it without him... you need him... you want him... you lo-

You bow your head and set it on the railing of his hospital bed as more and more tears come down. Your body is heaving with weeps and moans of fright and mourning. He can't die... he can't leave you like this... you can't let him go so soon...

Your name is Tavros Nitram, and this has been one of many misfortunes.


	5. One of them Mistakes

Mistakes

Your name is Gamzee Makara, and you don't have many fond memories.

Maybe this is because people generally remember the worst of times and not the bad... or maybe this is due to the fact that you had been inebriated for the longest time and you just don't remember anything. Either way, the only thing you can think of when you 'think of the good times' is when you first met your best bro in the whole entire world.

You suppose that, right at that point, is when your life really started.

It's some sad shit that it ended barely six months later.

Yeah, you might have done it on purpose, but, as expected, you don't remember. The only thing you can recall is wanting to buy some nifty cleaning rags to wipe up your drastic messes... and then... poof, there's this thing down your throat, a motherfucking pipe or something. You were, to say the least, confused, and rather worried.

You thought, at the time, that this would surely be the experience that would kill you. However, life decided to all up and fuck that idea. You've been on the brink of death before, and this was just another one of those times.

A few days in the hospital, you began regretting what you had actually done. Your stomach was churning, your consciousness always blinking away at the most inconvenient times, and you were just hurting all of the time. It really sucked... next time, you'll just use a noose or something... get it over with rather quickly... not much pain...

You're shocked now that you realize what you had just been thinking. Next time... there was gonna be a next time? This scared you... you didn't like these little thoughts... you didn't mean to attain them...

What is wrong with you...?

Most of your time in the hospital was spent sleeping. You had been in there two weeks, yet you only remember being awake for a few hours. The moment when the nurse said you were able to leave, you were both grateful and perplexed. After all, you had just nearly killed yourself, might have been suicide, and they're just letting you go...

But, upon seeing your older brother waiting for you in the lobby, you knew that he was to be watching over you, and closely.

It was a bit irritating, you had to admit this. He was watching you like a hawk, asking you questions in sign language or written on a piece of paper (the poor guy had, one day, just stopped talking. You suppose that something really bad happened to him... but he never expressed what had happened), and then he would insist on spending time with you.

If you weren't smart enough to diagnose his reasoning for this, you would have thought he had gone mental. No, he's not mental, and he's not suddenly feeling friendly... he's just making sure you don't fuck up again...

But that isn't the worst part...

Ever since that one day, eating ice cream at the parlor... you hadn't seen him. Tavros. You haven't even talked to him over the phone or on the computer... he's never on anymore, and he seems to have changed his phone number.

You cry late at night, wondering what you did wrong. You miss him dearly, it is ever so true... you want to see his beautiful brown eyes again and that ever so sweet smile of his...

This whole thing was a big mistake...

Your name is Tavros Nitram, and you are in a lot of pain.

For the first time in your entire life, you know that this pain is different, it is not from your disease, it is not from a hurt ego, nothing like that. Your chest aches, it hurts so terribly, it's empty... your heart is hurting.

Your days have been so boring, that much is true, but they have been more painful. There's no one to listen to you now, no one to hold you, no one to help you (when you REALLY need it), no one to just... be there. You are alone, again.

Being alone before had been bearable, you could handle it just fine... but now it was nearly killing you.

For the past two weeks you have been staying inside, you barely go out anymore. Why bother? There isn't anything interesting out there anyway... there's no joy to take out of the outside world...

Wow, look at you, that pessimism is returning again... damn...

You bit your bottom lip as you try to retain tears...

Pessimism at least keeps you from being sad all the time...

It's all your fault...

Yeah it is...

He tried to kill himself...

Don't cry...

He loved you...

Yes, he did...

He still does...

Yeah... he does...

Do you care about him?

Yes, you do care about him...

Then stay away from him...

The tears come down anyway, you didn't bother trying anymore. Yes, you agreed, you would stay away from him...

Because you love him...

Your name is Kurloz Makara, and you might have made a mistake...

Being a mute is quite troublesome, but it's something that you can't help. Many people don't understand the kind of torture you go through... everyone's always asking you to open your mouth, speak, stop with the big act...

Speak...

You want to so desperately, to speak, to be normal but you can't... you just can't...

It all happened when you were quite a bit younger, way back during grade school. Even back then, your family was terribly dysfunctional. Your parents had split only a few months after your brother was born, you lived with your dad, your brother with your mom. The way it all worked out was simple. Occasionally, you would go down to visit your mom and your brother for a while, and Gamzee would do the same, coming up to visit your father and yourself.

That part was simple.

There was a reason things didn't work out between your parents.

It was mostly because your father was an angry drunk. Still, the situation is rather simple. Not if you add a few details though...

Father was... well, to say the least, quite... affectionate.

You don't like to think about it...

He told you not to utter a word, that if anyone found out you would surely pay. Your childish mind believed every word, and you were silenced of such activities. However, as time passed on, you spoke less and less about other things too... until one day, you just didn't speak.

Your father actually died a while ago, about three years, in an accident (or so you heard). Neither you, nor your brother, had felt anything about his death... other than, for you, relief.

Still, when ask to speak, you just can't do it. Perhaps it is adaptation, you are used to not speaking, why pick it up again? Or, maybe, there's still something in the back of your mind, some subconscious thought, that is telling you not to... if you do speak... it might be the death of you...

Your brother lies on the small futon in the living room, flipping through the channels without a second glance. For a few moments, you watch him. His breathing is twice as deep and shaky than it would have been, and his skin is much more pale. He is much more dazed than he usually is, but it's not like the 'I am totally high' dazed, it is the daze of a preoccupied mind.

When he finally notices you, he looks at you with a rather agitated gaze, but you know he isn't really agitated. You sign to him 'need anything'. Gamzee just shakes his head, doesn't even utter a word... he hasn't been speaking lately either.

You give a small sigh and sign 'okay' even though he isn't looking anymore, then you shuffle back to whence you came. Ever since he came from being nearly dead, he's been like this... silent and bitter.

When Gamzee was in the hospital, you had been in possession of his laptop, trying to figure out why he might have done what he had done. If he had tried to commit suicide... you had to know why...

With looking through his files, you had found nothing really in particular that could have caused this event. You were a bit bewildered and frustrated with the lack of results...

Then, a light bing had caught your attention. You jumped at first, for the sound seemed to come from nowhere, but you quickly noticed a highlighted icon on the bottom of the screen. You opened the file and found a chatlog. There were quite a few messages from another person...

aT: uHH, gAMZEE, aRE YOU THERE

aT: pLEASE, gAMZEE, i REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU,,,

aT: i'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING I MIGHT HAVE SAID,,,

aT: i, uHH, i REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU,,,

aT: aND,,, i THINK,,, i DON'T KNOW, i MIGHT HAVE SOME, uHH, fEELINGS,,,

aT: pLEASE, gAMZEE, pLEASE TALK TO ME,,,

aT: i'M SORRY,,, pLEASE,,,

aT: gAMZEE,,,

You stare at the little blurbs of text for a few moments. To gather who this person is, you scroll upward to view past conversations. With seeing one name, you realize who it is. Tavros Nitram. A young man that had recently become your brother's friend... well, not recently, quite a while ago, but this man meant a lot to your brother... a lot.

Piecing together the little bits of information you had, you finally realize the whole situation for its complete value. Love, between two friends... denial, heartbreaking...

You all of a sudden frown and want to punch this guy in the skull. Breaking your brother's heart... and to the point of him trying to kill himself!

With a sudden rage flowing through your veins, you start typing.

tC: THIS IS GAMZEE'S BROTHER. KURLOZ.

aT: kURLOZ,,, oH, yEAH,

aT: yOU WERE THE MAN AT THE HOSPITAL,

aT: uHH, mAY I SPEAK TO GAMZEE,

tC: YEAH. ABOUT THAT.

tC: LISTEN.

tC: YOU NEED TO STAY AWAY FROM HIM.

aT: uHH, wHAT,

tC: STAY AWAY FROM HIM.

aT: wHY,

tC: ITS ALL YOUR FAULT.

tC: HE TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF.

tC: HE LOVED YOU.

tC: HE STILL DOES.

aT: i,,, bUT,,,

tC: DO YOU CARE ABOUT HIM.

aT: yES,,,

tC: THEN STAY AWAY FROM HIM.

adiosToreador ceased trolling treminallyCapricious [TC]

Did you do the right thing? You asked this question all of the time, every time you saw the sad look on your brother's face. He looked dead, maybe not in the literal sense, but certainly in the abstract sense, as if he had no heart... or it was ripped out.

Lying on your bed, you stare at the ceiling and think over everything that has happened up till now. Why did you do that? You wanted to protect him, your brother, you didn't want him hurt, ever... like you have been so many times before...

But, maybe, in your actions to keep him safe, you have, in turn, harmed him?

Your name is Kurloz Makara, and you might have to fix your mistakes...


	6. One of them Memories

Memories

What do you do... when you've done something so bad that is has impacted the life of someone you care about...?

Kurloz couldn't sleep during the late nights, it was too difficult. His thoughts were always too rampant during the night, they'd keep him up, and now this cursed question was eating away at him.

Sitting in his room, in the middle of the night, he had his laptop perched on his chest, staring at the bright screen with dull eyes. A tab was opened, google, and typing out the question got him nowhere. Too many words...

With a heavy sigh, he scrolled down, trying to see if there was anything worth taking a look at. There was a yahoo answer page with something totally unrelated to the question, ten step guides on how to get over your ex, some cooking recipe... where the heck did these come from?

Opening a different tab, he navigated to omegle. Perhaps a random conversation would do some good? Kurloz huffed under his breath, finding slight humor in his hope for an answer.

What are you into? Uhh... voodoo?

After typing it in, you realize that if you typed in such a phrase, you'd get merely some weirdo who wouldn't really be able to answer your question with something legit. With more thought, Kurloz merely typed his interest as being video games.

Being thrown into a random conversation, nothing really happened. Kurloz stared for the longest time, awaiting for the stranger to introduce himself. Even so, nothing happened. Perhaps the person on the other side was awaiting for himself to break the ice...

Although reluctant and not expecting much, the mute typed out the same question that has been biting him in the butt for three weeks:

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING SO BAD THAT IT IMPACTS THE LIFE OF SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT?

To his surprise and pleasure, almost immediately after he sent his question, the stranger had started typing. He waited for the rather long time that it took for the stranger to respond, and even then, he was a bit surprised by the response. Not only did the stranger actually give a legit response... but it was simple too.

Y0U F1X 1T.  
~~~

tC: TAVROS.

aT: gAMZEE,,,

tC: NO... THIS IS KURLOZ...

aT: wHAT DO YOU WANT,

aT: i'M STAYING AWAY FROM HIM,

aT: jUST LIKE YOU WANTED,

tC: YEAH. I KNOW.

tC: BUT I TAKE IT BACK.

tC: HE NEEDS YOU TAVROS.

aT: wHY WOULD HE NEED ME,

aT: hE'S GOT A CARING BROTHER LIKE YOU TO TAKE CARE OF HIM,

aT: hE DOESN'T NEED ME,,,

tC: YES HE DOES...

tC: PLEASE...

aT: wHY SHOULD I CONTACT HIM AGAIN,,,

aT: hE HASN'T SPOKEN TO ME AT ALL,

aT: mAYBE HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME,

tC: PLEASE. TAVROS. I'M TRYING TO FIX THIS...

aT: ,,,

tC: PLEASE...

aT: *sigh*

aT: wHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO,,,  
~~~

Gamzee has been spending way too much time in his room. Kurloz noticed this quite early on, but he wasn't able to do much about such. Sometimes, he would skip meals, excusing such for merely the fact that he wasn't hungry. As the duty of the older brother, of course, Kurloz would still make good and insist that he eat it... but Gamzee would always find a way around it.

The only time the two caught sight of each other was a brief glance upon passing each other in the house.

As time had passed, the gravity of what he had really done weighed heavily on Kurloz. He told his brother's closest friend, only friend, to never see him again... he took away something so dear from his brother. What could be worse? Poor Gamzee...

A knock at the door went unanswered on Gamzee's part, and it was Kurloz's job to make sure that the person on the other side made it inside. He was quick on his feet, nearly running to the door, this was urgent, after all...

"Is... uhh... is he here?" The Taurus' asks with a bowed head, shifting on his metal legs as he tries not to look at the other being he is speaking to.

Kurloz gives a small nod before moving out of the way so the brunette can come inside. Of course he's here... he doesn't have anywhere else to go. This thought sticks like a pinprick in the back of his head, and he feels guilty once more.

With a curl of his gloved hand, Kurloz beckons for Tavros to follow him, and the brunette does so with shakily legs and being supported by crutches once again.

At the door to Gamzee's room, Kurloz only gives a brief knock before answering the door. Poking his head in, he sees his younger brother sleeping, head buried under his pillow and nearly motionless albeit for his shallow breathing. The mute hesitantly walks in, Tavros following behind, and walks up to the side of his brother's bed to lean over and shake him out of such a stupor.

To this action, Gamzee groans in agitation and swats away at his brother, mumbling incomprehensible words for such actions to cease. Of course, such does not play in his favor, and he pulls the pillow away after a while to leer at his brother...

His eyes go wide when he sees the other being present. Tone heavy with exhaustion and somewhat slurred, he asks, "Tavros... you're here? Why... why haven't you... talked to me...?"

Tavros' brow furrows and he regrets thoughts that he has believed true about his dear friend. With a glance towards Kurloz, he hesitantly answers, "Kurloz... didn't want me to see you..."

Poor Kurloz expected such a bitter gaze to be glued upon him from his brother, he deserved it. He bows his head in his brother's eyes from shame. His hands raise as he signs to his brother 'trying to fix things'.

It is times like these that Kurloz wishes he could speak. With all that his happened, with what is taking place now, though, there is nothing else he can do to mend this situation. He blinks, retaining small tears, and turns on his heel to leave.

I'm sorry...  
~~~

There are tears pricking at the corners of the Taurus' eyes, but he doesn't want them to fall. Not now... not at this moment... it wouldn't end well. They are welling because of that look, Gamzee is giving him THAT look... that look of disappointment and hurt.

"Why didn't you all up and contact me bro?" He asks upon fully sitting up and gaining his composure. His voice is strained from something, maybe not drinking enough or possibly screaming into his pillow from crying so hard.

Why, why did he have to speak such hurtful words? Tavros bites his lip and soon answers toughly, "I... Kurloz... didn't want me to, he said... if I really cared about you, I would leave you alone."

"Leave me alone?" Gamzee's brow is furrowed even more, and his best friend can barely stand that expression. "Leave me alone... you deserted me."

"I didn't mean to!" Tavros tries to object, eyes sparkling as those tears make that imminent threat once again. "I was scared of what would happen if I kept talking to you..."

For a moment, the Capricorn is silent, as if taking in this information and trying to consider it as truth. He looks at the ground for a while, and his eyes travel to see his bro's metal legs, still somewhat shaky. "I missed you," he had finally murmured, voice weak and tired. "There was no one to talk to, no one to spend time with, no one to be all up and awesome with... I was alone..."

Yet again, silence reigns in the small room. Tavros finds a question to be aching in his heart, begging to be spoken, but he is reluctant in asking it. He bites his lip with nervousness again, squeezing his eyes shut as he tries to regain himself. Opening them once more, he stares at the man in bed for a brief moment before finally asking that harsh question, "Why did you do it...?"

"Why did I do it?" Gamzee asks the question himself, but doesn't answer verbally. Instead, he casually shrugs, as if such occurrences didn't actually happen. "Bro, I don't have no idea about that... it just happened..."

Tavros' lets out a deep breath he didn't know he had been holding, and he sighs with traces of exasperation. "I was... scared..." he admits, catching Gamzee's forlorn gaze. "I saw you in the hospital..."

"You did?"

"Yes... I was scared... you would die..." The Taurus stops talking, his throat tightening and eyes aching. Those tears want to fall, they will fall, and there is nothing he can do to really stop them. So, he bows his head and stares at the ground, clenching his eyes shut as a last prevention.

The shifting sound of fabric is the only little warning he gets before he feels arms encasing his form and a warm chest to lean into. Tavros doesn't even pause in returning the embrace, coiling his arms tightly around the Capricorn as if not doing so would be the death of him. "It's okay bro... I didn't die... I ain't gonna die anytime soon..." he hears these words being promised to him, whispered so delicately and true. "I wouldn't leave you like that bro... I love you too much to do that..."

Tears fall down his cheeks, and the Taurus can feel those arms tightening around his form, refusing to let him go. He knew he could trust that promise from the Capricorn, he just knew, and he buried his face into the comforting man's face as he murmurs, "I love you too..."

Gamzee takes a harsh breath, eyes opening as he tries to comprehend what his bro had just said. Bringing his head back and cupping his best friend's own, he stares straight into those brown eyes as he asks, "What... did you just say?"

Upon realizing what he said, Tavros is surprised that he hasn't clamped a hand upon his own mouth. He isn't even sorry for what he had said, so he says it again, "I love you too, Gamzee..."

There is a pause from the Capricorn. It is brief, but it does cause a bit of fright in the Taurus' heart. It vanishes, though, as lips are sweetly placed onto his own and bestow such a familiar, comforting warmth within him. They embrace again and hold this kiss for the longest time, as if letting go or breaking free would be breaking such a dear promise. Tavros can feel Gamzee smiling against his own lips, which brings him to smile, and for the longest time, his heart is swelling, and so is Gamzee's.

When they do, eventually, break apart from each other, Tavros presses his forehead against Gamzee's, and he smiles shyly as he repeats once again, "I love you, Gamzee..." Only now, is he assured, that such a fact is indeed true...

Gamzee smiles like an idiot, but he doesn't care if he even looks like one at this point. He nuzzles against his bro's face, making the other laugh lightly, and sweetly coos, "I love you so much, Tavbro..."

At that point, they both have the same, warm, intent thought.

We're going to be making a lot of memories together.


End file.
